Why Me?

I’ll get more into the why, when, where and how later but first I want to address the most pressing question. Why me? These are the first words that crossed my mind the morning after I had my stroke. These words started echoing through my mind the moment the doctor asked me to raise my arms. Such a simple thing. Something you do over and over when you’re being evaluated for a stroke in the hospital. All through the night in the Emergency Room I dutifully raised my hands and tried to make them even. They would be crooked and wavering as I squinted and stared, working to line them up and eventually succeeding. But this time was different.

My arm didn’t move at all.

What? I looked over at my fiancé Jim as if he was playing a trick on me. He just rested his hand on my shoulder and said “It’s ok.” Wait…..what? Why isn’t my arm moving? In my head I was screaming, “Someone help me! My arm won’t work!” Then it hit me. This is really happening. Everyone around me was just looking at me as if they expected this to happen. Sure, they’d seen it before. Someone has a stroke, things stop working. But this was MY arm. Why won’t it work? I dozed off since I’d been up all night and really just didn’t want to deal with what was happening.

I woke up while I was being moved to Intensive Care. I tried to move my arm again. Nothing. I was tested, poked and prodded by doctors. Can you feel this? Yes. Are you numb? No. Are you in pain? No. Can you lift your arm? No.

Why me?

It was hours before I started to grasp what had happened to me and the fear set in. I’d had a stroke before and had some experience with a body that wouldn’t cooperate but the last time it was mostly dizziness I had to deal with. Sure, it was nauseating dizziness that had me stooped over while I walked, gripping onto the furniture. But hey, I beat it. I went to balance therapy and did everything they told me and two months later I was walking again without the walker they said I would always need. OK, I got this. But wait…..my arm won’t work at all! No fingers moving, no shoulder movement, nothing.

Why me?

Jim was there by my side all this time. My children, JymmeAnne and T.J. came in. Very somber faces. My sisters, Abbie and Joelen came in. More straight faces. My friend Ruth showed up with a stuffed dog I gripped nervously with my good arm. Why is everyone looking so sad? Then it hit me. They think I’m going to die. Oh God, am I going to die?

Why me?

Things went on…..first in the ER, then Intensive Care, then transferred to an acute Rehab Hospital where I had to learn to walk, talk and move my muscles again. My body had betrayed me. I laughed and cried and had bad days and amazing days. Since the night of my stroke I have had to completely reevaluate my life. Who are you when you’re brain is damaged and you don’t feel like you anymore? I’m learning who I am once again and what I want out of this life. I’m a fighter! Some days all I can do is cry but then I pick myself up and go at it again! This stroke will not beat me. The sadness fades a little every day. The brain starts to make new connections and muscles start to respond. Things get better. Things get worse and then they always get better.

Why me? I really have no idea. I might never know. Some people find they have a hole in their heart or some sort of defect that caused their stroke. Some people have clots. Some people have bleeds. We are all different, but we are all the same. We have the same struggles and fears. We take the same medicines. But we are alive. We are here. We are warriors trying to regain our lives one day at a time. It gets better.

If you are reading this and your life has been touched by stroke, you get it. You understand. Or you were like me, lying in a bed crying because you know nothing about strokes or why your brain just isn’t on your side anymore. Whoever you are, go get educated. Find out all you can about your stroke or strokes in general. Talk to warriors who have been through it and ask questions, even when it’s something as random as “my arm moves when I yawn. Is that normal?” You learn the most from people who have gone through it, are going through it, and hopefully will listen to you, validate you and help you understand that you are not alone. It gets better.

Why me? Who knows? Who cares? Time to get busy and fight your way back to normal. Not your old normal, that’s gone. Your new normal. That place where you can live comfortably and not be so distressed.

This blog is now what I’m doing in my life. It’s my purpose. A place where I can try to explain all the feelings that are running wild through my head and a place to organize all the things that have helped me in my recovery. We are such complex beings and there are so many aspects to one person’s recovery. I hope I can share as many as I can with you. If I help one person this adventure will be worth it.

God Bless you all.