"Me do, me do!"

So anyone who’s been really sick knows the total lack of privacy that goes with it. I don’t think I really understood this before I had my second stroke. I’d been sick before, but never so sick that I needed to use a bedpan. Or so sick that I needed to be wheeled into the bathroom in a special chair with a toilet seat so I could be positioned over the commode. After months of being fed and bathed and helped in the bathroom and with every other aspect of my life, all I wanted was to take a shower by myself! That was impossible, of course. I was a fall risk. Unable to use a walker because my stroke robbed me of my left arm, I had to slowly walk with Jim holding onto the back of my pants just to get to the bathroom a few times a day. That was the extent of my “getting around” for a few months.

I’ve always been a private person and I enjoyed my “me time.” Sitting quietly reading a book or playing with my laptop made me happy. I could decompress and clear my head. But after three weeks of hospital time being poked and prodded, woken up all night and needing assistance with every little thing, it was a huge relief to finally get home. Of course, just getting in the building was quite a feat. Learning to get into a car was accomplished at the rehab hospital. They even had a real car to practice on! I was tested on this and failed the first time. I wobbled and almost fell down. “Maybe next week you can go home!” Life skills are hard! Who knew something so seemingly easy as getting in and out of a car was really a feat of strength and balance? Don’t even get me started on curbs. They still scare me.

Showering, I didn’t shower alone until the month of September, four months after my stroke in May 2015. And we were living in a hotel, waiting to move into our new apartment in Illinois. Jim went to work and I decided to go shower all by myself. I went slow and was careful, if I did it wrong and slipped or fell, it would be hours until Jim got home. I was so proud when he walked in the door to find me clean and dry and I did it all by myself!

You’re probably laughing but when you have a stroke and lose a whole side of your body, you suddenly are like an infant. Everything you knew how to do is gone. Your body has failed you. You know how to do things, you just can’t. And it is the most frustrating thing EVER. I constantly wanted to scream. Every time I tried to do something I would hit a wall. Texting on my phone, I would drop it and not be able to reach it again and I’m done. Dead in the water. Everything required help. From dressing to bathing to needing a drink of water. Helpless. That is the worst feeling in the world. I just wanted to be able to do ONE THING by myself.

When I started relearning all these life skills (how DO you put socks on with one hand? I can show you. I got that down.) I was so happy to regain a little bit of control over my life. I was eager and anxious to show off my new skills. Jim has been so helpful and helping me with every little detail, even dressing me at the beginning. I felt like a little kid yelling “Me do, me do!” when it was something I could handle by myself. Remember being 4 and getting to do something all by yourself? I sure do. That quickly became our joke as Jim would try to help me with my socks like he had for the past four months. No way, I got this!

“Me do, me do!”

But it’s so hard. I’m tired of things being so hard. I can shower and get dressed fairly quickly now but I’m tired when it’s done. I used to be exhausted. Now I’m just tired. Progress.

The good news is that it gets a little easier every time. Not noticeably easier, at least not day by day. But if I think about where I was a year ago, I see the improvements. They’re wrong. All your recovery is not in the first six months. That’s just when it’s the most noticeable. The other day I showered, got dressed, dried my hair and put my shoes on in 30 minutes. That’s a new record for me. Sure, I’ve made changes to try and keep things simple. I cut my hair short right after I got out of the hospital because no way could I style it with one arm.

Yes, my arm works now but it’s still clumsy and uncoordinated. I keep trying to use it as much as possible, even blow dry my hair with it until I get tired of whacking myself in the head and switch to my right. “Me do, me do” backfires on me sometimes. And every day it gets easier. Every day I’m one step closer to not thinking about what I can’t do and being able to focus on all the things I can.